


The Heretic

by NebulaViburnum



Category: Outlast (Video Games)
Genre: Child Abuse, Friendship, Love, Multi, Murder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychology, Trauma, graphic depictions of violence against minors, trigger warning for child abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2017-08-10
Packaged: 2018-11-15 16:17:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11234631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NebulaViburnum/pseuds/NebulaViburnum
Summary: Val Ordish is the daughter/son of Simon and Ida Ordish, who from a young age was chosen to be chief deacon of Temple Gate. Val completes most of their tasks meticulously and with rapt attention. They diligently take care of orphaned children as well. They are a respected member of Temple Gate. However, when the child killings begin and Val has to kill most of their adopted kids by their own hands, they start losing their mind...they become susceptible to the creature who lives inside the white light...who whispers to them about chaos and destruction. Feeling dejected by what they had known as righteousness and feeling seduced by what is considered impure, Val renounces The Testament of New Ezekiel to become The Heretic. Hope you enjoy the drafts and chaos inside the mines [companion piece to Temple Gate]Story dedicated to my friend Dia and Tumblr's Val-is-Val =)





	1. Chapter 1

 

**We Are Creatures of Appetite**

 

The birds got them curious. But they knew not to always get excited.

 

Excitement was….well, a difficult emotion, a difficult feeling.

 

A feeling that they had decided long ago to restrain if possible.

 

What good did it do to them? Except, get their hopes up and get them unhappy.

 

They looked at the birds at twilight and seemed to be waiting for something. They had a bad in their hands. Soon, there was a noise that screeched across the horizon like a loud denotation of a bomb. And, they closed their eyes as if burning around with the white light that accompanied that noise. Then all was silence. Soon, pitter-patter noise was starting. They took out their bag, stretched it out high and the dead fouls landed on their bad. When the bad was filled Val Ordish started walking, not mindful of the other birds that was falling around them. They took some cover over their head so that the beaks of birds did not hit them.

 

They had come back home after a while. On the way, Val saw Marta Hawthorne, patrolling diligently as usual, “You are off for dinner?” she had asked. Val had the insurmountable feeling of wanting to kiss her like she did all those years ago when she was younger and growing up alongside Marta. Even around two years ago, Marta and they had been sort of a couple. They missed it. They missed her. Though, they wondered if Marta missed them. Missed all the exchanges, that happened between them. Yet, it was sometimes so hard to say these things.

 

“Yes, I am, Marta.” She wanted to feel that name on her tongue, coiling around there like some choral on a bedrock. That sweet name that she had always appreciated. Marta, she knew, meant “The Lady” and Marta was so much of an imposing Lady. With long limbs, a generous breast, if not so large, still nice, accentuated well against her loose clothes. Val had another urge to start stitching Marta’s clothes. They had become threadbare over the years. She wore no stockings as many of the women did. And part of her skirt had a slit, possibly to ensure better movement, though her dress-skirt was not tight. Marta was an image to be seen.

 

“Oh, I shouldn’t keep you up then.” Marta carrying her pickaxe, looked at Val, a bit endearingly, which made Val’s heart flutter a bit, “Take care of yourself. If you need some help around the house, you can ask me.”

 

“I can?” Val licked a bit secretly their lower lip.

 

“Well,” Perhaps Marta noticed that Val had been looking at them for a long time, but decided not to judge it, “Yes. You have a lot of responsibilities. And, I think it is important to help you out. After dinner, are you going to the confessional to hear confessions?”

 

“Yes, I am.” Val had almost forgotten that.

 

“Well, you need to keep your house well enough.” Marta suggested, “I know it’s hard. With all those kids in one place.” Marta sighed, “I didn’t know it would be like this. It wasn’t like this when we were growing up.”

 

“What is also troubling…” Val interjected, “Are the houses being boarded up. Some of the people in the night had decided to do vandalism, there was one such house in Central Square. It stated ‘Whores of Satan.’ I don’t quite like this. I know people are divided about the Scalled, but they are also forgetting that Laird is also a deacon and that he has gone there some months ago.”

 

“I heard Paul Mills was trying to take Laird’s place.” Marta snickered, “Papa Knoth told him to do his job at interrogations. Which means,” Marta smiled, “Helping you about.” Then she laughed a bit, Val missed Marta’s laugh, nowadays she didn’t laugh so much as she was supposed to, then again with how Temple Gate was going, with the sickness and children becoming as good as orphans overnight, there wasn’t much to laugh about except irony, “I see he is still raw you became chief deacon aside him.”

 

“He can be raw all he likes.” Val stated, “I hope he does his job well. He is supposed to also help you patrol. So, are the butchers. What are they doing? Are they involved in the vandalism?”

 

“Maybe, someone may own up in confession?” Val knew Marta searched optimism when reason was nowhere to be found. It was a defence mechanism and also one to make them feel better. Though, there was a hint of betrayal that Marta herself wasn’t convinced that was going to happen.

 

“Even if that doesn’t happen, thanks for trying to make me feel better.” Val smiled, then edged near Marta, to the other’s surprise, “The way you feel for me…I don’t think anyone would love me the same…” Marta looked away as if not trying to meet their gaze. Val got her face, with one hand, tenderly, “Don’t always act like a stranger. You know what you mean to me.” Before Marta could reply, Val kissed her nose and her lips. They looked happy, “Marta, I don’t think I can completely forget about you. And, I am sorry. I am not trying to burden you. But, I had to say that.”

 

“Val…” Marta looked apologetic, “I think…” She didn’t know how to frame it but she tried, “You don’t always understand. I don’t always understand. But, I wasn’t overtly as frustrated as you. It becomes a burden when it is like that. To be so overtly frustrated. I don’t think we have anywhere to be and go aside Temple Gate. You talking like that all the time was _dangerous_ for you and me. I didn’t wish to encourage that. I wouldn’t want you to get into trouble.”

 

“We could always run away.” Val seemed to look away. They looked at the sky there was a moon out.

 

“To the world outside, could we survive there?”

 

“I don’t know. We could try.”

 

“I think…” Marta spoke solemnly, “I can’t always dream like that. I know I should try it but we also have people and children here we can’t abandon. I don’t know. I haven’t known for a long time.” Then she smiled, “Well, I will come by after dinner when you go to confessionals. Help to take care of the kids.”

 

“Don’t you have rounds?” Val was touched. Marta and they may not always have seen eye to eye. But, Val knew they were actually pretty similar.

 

“Yeah, but I can go about them a bit later.” Marta winked, “I think the kids will be too scared to be by themselves all the time.”

 

“Knoth thinks it’s not completely bad for them to get used to their new lifestyles.” Val stated, though their face looked that they didn’t really give a fuck to what Knoth thought.

 

“Well, we don’t really need to tell Knoth about it.” Marta raspily said, Val always admired the precipitousness of Marta’s dedication and her alienation from Temple Gate laws. It was like she was always on edge but the decorum with which she carried herself was impressive. “Besides,” Marta stressed, “Anyone at any age can feel lonely without their loved ones and parents. And, these children are too young. They are confused. They would guidance and love. I suppose we need to give them that love and guidance.”

 

Val nodded. Before Marta left, they gave Marta and embrace and Marta half-held back and half caressed Val’s hair.

 

Then she went away.

 

Val looked at her receding figure before walking back to the boarding house.

 

* * *

 

Val had a house of their own. Though, it had been a long time since they have gone to visit it. Marta sometimes went over to see if things were going okay. And they went themselves to their house when they needed paper. It was becoming increasingly difficult but as chief deacon Val carried on with an even temperament and patience. It was sometimes hard because they didn’t exactly know how they managed. Initially, when the Scalled were a few, there had been around five children and for around six months, Val and those five children had boarded up together in Val’s place. It had not had been easy. The children were ostracised and teased a lot. Their parents were the Scalled. They had committed sins. Those sins were now manifested. They had the sickness of the soil.

 

Soon, the demographic, however, began to change. A bit too rapidly for Val’s tastes. Some of the children who teased themselves found in the predicament of the victims of their aforementioned bullying. There had been then around eight children in Val’s house. It was a ruckus to say the least. The children who were bullied before, not all of them wanted to mix with the newly afflicted. There had been fights and jars and dishes did get broken. It took a lot of mental fortitude for Val to stop them from fighting and going at each other.

 

Then there was the crying.

 

The children felt abandoned. They were abandoned. It felt like nothing was right in the world. However, soon Papa Knoth had made one of the chapels a permanent boarding house for them. It was done. The children moved out. Soon from eight it became ten then fourteen, the twenty. Now, there were forty orphans.

 

It was like another civilisation in the boarding house. Sometimes, when Val went away, the children would overturn chairs, make forts, have imaginary wars — played house (both girls and boys; that day she saw them playing house where one of the boys actually dressed as a bride), played hopscotch, played television personalities (they heard about it from older children; Val found one of the boys and girls making a detergent advertisement) and did all sorts of plays. Some of the children had already started drawing on the walls when they ran out of the paper Val gave them. It was necessarily allowed to use paper beyond gospel writing but Val was able to get some for drawing. They found that drawing helped calm the children down.

 

Without their parents the mild-mannered children who were coerced into cages of obedience many a times went wild. Val had to appreciate it from time to time. They remembered their own upbringing, the staunch writings of gospels and of learning prayers daily, the sudden transformations from girl to boy and also the feeling that the future would be weightier that they could have ever anticipated. To see children more like children, more like how they once saw Marta having fun times with her best friends Helen bailey and Asher Arazabel, and her close friend Thaddeus Dodson. Marta had a better childhood than them. Val always felt like it. Yes, they had Maryanne Knoth and Annabelle Bailey, sister to Helen Bailey and Lois Bailey or rather Lois Knoth, yet, with their duties decided as chief deacon there came the extra work. As a child, Val also noticed that their ordinance and order to male hood required making male friends. And, Val had troubles doing that with some of the males who found it confusing as they had once treated him as a her. As Val grew older there were things that Annabelle and Maryanne could enjoy which they seemed to cannot.

 

One of them was marriage.

 

Maryanne was not wedded yet but she had a child with her uncle, Zephaniah, Laban.  Maryanne was hoping that Zephaniah would leave his wife Athalia Rippington now that they had a child together. Val severely doubted that and had told her about it, which had led them to a sort of fight. They had mended that margin. Only, Zephaniah was hopelessly in love with his wife Athalia. Athalia Rippington was in love with her cousin, Simeon Rippington, head of provisions and one of the electrical masters of Temple Gate, alongside Athalia. Their love was always known in Temple gate. It was a misfortune he had to marry Rebekah Barrow. Nowadays, Rebekah seems unhappy even though they had given birth to a son recently, Jason, who was as old as Simeon’s youngest sister, Olive. It could be that Rebekah was worried about her mother, Blanche Barrow, who was now part of the Scalled as well.

 

Annabelle Bailey was now Annabelle Brewer, married to Brewer’s oldest son, Jethro. Annabelle had two twins, Marianne and Tobias. So, Annabelle seemed happy. Though there were times when Val talked to Annabelle, all she could do was talk about her oldest sister, Helen Bailey. She said truthfully that she missed her and that she wished she could know what had happened to her. If she was still alive or dead. Then she would start crying. Val could only comfort her childhood friend.

 

When Val started growing older they did make some male friends. They also realised that they should steer clear of Paul Mills who loathed them with a passion that they should have melted in their prayers. Val knew the story of Paul Mills supposed to be chief deacon and then when Knoth elected them, he wasn’t in line anymore. Paul was the head interrogator who was supposed to help deacons. To add insult to injury, Paul was now directly the subordinate to Val Ordish. So, Paul wasn’t always making their life any better.

 

When Val got in they saw that the children were running around playing tag, building a fort with pillows made out of feathers, acting like a television anchor and screaming and shouting. Only, they did become silent when they saw Val.

 

“Hey Val!” All forty of them rushed towards Val and Val felt like they would actually fall down.

 

“Uh, kids…” Val could not be heard amongst the crowd, “Kids! Stop!” Then they did as Val managed themselves. “Look, I got dinner.”

 

“I thought the birds were like angels…the ones killed by the white light….” Augustus Bright, one of the first children to be under their car commented, “Or, Miss Bishop taught us that in school.”

 

“Yah, I thought we’s to take a bird, put a wish around its leg, and throw in the lake.” Samantha Penny spoke.

 

“Or, we are supposed to go to the far off lake as a dare.” Spoke Evelyn Turner, “I heard that is the best place to get prayers answered.”

 

“Or, that’s just some story you pull out a bird’s ass.” Talked Miranda Barrow, youngest daughter to Blanche Barrow, precocious seven year old. Rebekah had offered to take care of her but Laird and Knoth decided to hand her over to Val.

 

“Miranda, language.” Val spoke firm but kind.

 

“Sorry Papa Val.” Miranda opened her mouth to smile.

 

It was getting distinct that they were calling them ‘Papa Val’ when they were alone. And, Knoth they called Knoth when not in public. Val wondered if they were channelling Helen bailey and Asher Arazable when they were younger.

 

Val counted the heads. Listing all forty children. There was:

 

  1. Augustus Bright
  2. Linda Bright
  3. Patty Bright
  4. Joseph Bright
  5. Miranda Barrow
  6. Marcus Siphon
  7. Mary Siphon
  8. Tabitha Tate
  9. Henry Tate
  10. Judy Tate
  11. Julianna Fairborough
  12. Michael Fairborough
  13. Samuel Peters
  14. Jessica Peters
  15. Nathaniel Peters
  16. Evelyn Turner
  17. Evan Turner
  18. Anna Turner
  19. Jude Turner
  20. Phoebe Turner/Knoth
  21. Bernice Brown
  22. Claudius Brown/Knoth
  23. Hadrian Brown
  24. Justus Bryant
  25. Abigail Bryant
  26. Talitha Bryant
  27. Jonah Bryant
  28. Samantha Penny
  29. Joab Penny
  30. John Penny (The Twins)
  31. Susanna Candle
  32. Aiden Candle
  33. Bruce Candle
  34. Tamara Candle
  35. Sharon Hazel
  36. Ruby Hazel
  37. Jacob Hazel
  38. Julie Falcon
  39. Elijah Falcon
  40. Daniel Falcon
  41. Hayden Duke
  42. Job Duke
  43. Jeremy Duke
  44. Uzziah Ellis
  45. Zemira Ellis (The Un-identical Twins)



 

Yes. In this entire boarding house, there were forty-five children in total under the care of Val. And, Val knew all their names. It took some time knowing all of them but they eventually learned all of them. Out of the five children that came to live with them first, it was the Brights and the one Barrow. Soon it was the Tates and then on. Val was knowing all of their idiosyncrasies too. Augustus was a little bit as Asher was when they met when they wete younger. So, was Linda. Augustus was the oldest in his family with Patty being the second oldest and still naïve and well, terribly optimistic, this got Augustus and her into fights. Linda was the third oldest and then there was Joseph. Joseph was around four or five years old. Joseph was the one Val had trouble with. Joseph always called for his Mama or Papa and didn’t eat properly and was stubborn so much that he preferred to stay silent and angry than express his pain. Linda usually scolded Joseph when he got like this; telling him to grow up. But Val understood that it was an unreasonable request. Julie Falcon loved art and would love drawing flowers with her brother Daniel. Elijah was more into reading and learning things about science. So was Zemira Ellis. Elijah and Zemira, at age eleven, were already smitten with one another. It seems they had more than one marriage play and Zemira pretending to be pregnant and then cradling a doll as their baby.

 

Samantha Penny liked colouring so at times she took on some of the artwork in the boarding house with Daniel and Julie when they were sketching; she also seemed to be very good at learning new spelling and reading mechanics books with Elijah and Zemira. Samantha had a deep friendship with Susanna Candle and Sharon Hazel. Sharon liked cooking and Susanna liked working in the fields. She could be found picking up vegetables or incorporating the help of Bruce Candle, Job Duke, and Abigail and Talitha Bryant to do picking up stuff from the fields alongside Hadrain Brown. Justus also liked cooking; he aspired to become an interrogator or a butcher to keep the piece of Temple Gate. Sometimes Justus even tried to fashion himself a pickaxe like Marta and said he wanted to be The New Sentinel and help Marta in her rounds. He wasn’t the only one; Uzziah Ellis seemed to want that too.

 

The children around here were around the ages of four to twelve. There weren’t any girls over here who had started their menstruation. A blood covenant female meant she was ready to marry and/or to breed as Temple Gate laws seemed to indict. Some of the younger males were also encouraged to breed when they were nearing the end of their teenage years. So, there weren’t any young adults around. Val had to take care of all of them. It was a hard life. They didn’t have much help. Some of the mothers from the town were asked to volunteer from to the boarding house. There weren’t many takers. There had been rumours that the sickness of the souls was a contagion; that lesser whores would give to their children. Many of the women did not wish to besmirch their own houses, or their husbands were not eager to have taken care of what they called ‘whores’ children.’ Though there were many males among the population of the Scalled who were also called Satan’s whores.

 

Val was perennially exhausted nowadays.  Though during school hours, the children were the headache of the unfortunate June Bishop, who had also been their teacher when they were young. Some of the kids also got treats from Mad ‘Ol Maggie Bland. So, some of the times, Maggie, the burnout old woman who chanted and prayed constantly in front of Knoth’s picture, offered to help in the cooking. They didn’t have a biased palate; they knew Val cooked fowls from the white light and seemed to be alright as long as something tasted well. Then there was Rebekah who helped out as well. She was always desperate to meet and love her younger sister Miranda. Rebekah looked like she was always having a panic attack when she met Miranda. Val couldn’t blame her.

 

Because, Val had a bad feeling about all of this.

 

There had been talks.

 

The fate of these children seemed to be mired in something dark and foreboding.

 

But, while around them, Val didn’t wanna think about it.

 

So, they started cooking. Some of the children helped and while the others cleaned up and fixed the table. Papa Val sat on the head on the table. After finishing cooking soups and steamed birds and corn on cobs they said their prayers and started eating. Then the children washed up, they got ready for bed.

 

Val told a prayer over them.

 

They reminded them that today is one of the late nights that they had to go to confession.

 

Val heard some people make a groaning noise. While others, who were a bit older and/or responsible, Val delegated duties.

 

Today was unfortunately not story night.

 

* * *

 

 

“Val, are you sleeping?”

 

“I am awake!”

 

Val fixed up their priestly robes. Oh dear, fell asleep on confessional night again. Not good.

 

“Uh, do you want me to come back later?”

 

“No, No. I am awake!” Val blushed.

 

“I think this is pretty unfair for you…”  The voice was soft and kind, “Mary and I both think so…”

 

“Josiah…” Val knew they were talking to Josiah even though they were half-asleep, “I am sorry.”

 

“No, don’t be…” Josiah chuckled warmly, “How are the children?”

 

“They are as anyone can be in their situation. Rowdy, Scared. Sometimes oblivious. Sometimes crying. You know…” It was somewhat painful to talk about this.

 

“You know Ethan Sohr’s wife got Scalled right?” Josiah uttered.

 

“Oh my God!” Val was wide awake now, “You mean Lois Knoth?!”

 

“Yeah, Knoth’s own daughter and the mother of Anna Lee.” Josiah conveyed, “It’s a good thing Anna Lee has already started her blood covenant, nor else you would have to take her in.”

 

Val fell silent, “So, I guess she should just call herself Lois Bailey, being a Knoth had no effect.”

 

“Isn’t Claudius and Phoebe confirmed to Knoth’s children as well?” Josiah revealed, “Well, their luck is just the same.”

 

“Yes, I suppose you are right.” Val didn’t know what else to say.

 

“The dreams are getting bad, Val.”

 

Val piqued up, “Are they?”

 

“Yup, I thought I saw the apparition of my father being mauled by coyotes. You know the way he died. It felt like it was happening again.”

 

“I am sorry Josiah.”

 

“I feel bad for Mary.” Josiah whispered, “I apparently wet the bed. I had to go and work at Kent and Brewer the next day so Mary had to wash the sheets. I think I respect my wife more for it.”

 

“Your wife is a good woman, Josiah, and you are a good man.” Val had to admit he liked them, “Marta even —“

 

“Don’t talk about her, please.” Josiah sounded angry, “You know what she did.”

 

“But Josiah —“

 

“I don’t wanna —“  


“She kept your brother’s marbles.”

 

It came out of them before they could stop themselves, “Really?” Josiah stated, “That’s where Samuel’s marble collection went?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Do you really think she loved him?”  


“We are all made to do complicated things here in Temple Gate.” Val sighed, “But I am sure Marta loved your brother.”

 

“I guess I will see you again soon Val. At the town meetings in two days.”

 

“See you.”

 

 

Val didn’t directly go home.

 

While they were walking down to their residence they saw Marta come along; the saw and smelt the glowing incense before they saw Marta, “Going home?”

 

“Yeah, to my previous one.” Val explained, “Getting paper.”

 

Marta nodded understandingly, “I went to your other home. The children are asleep. Justus asked me about my pickaxe and told me he was fashioning shears or something like my pickaxe. Interesting.”

 

“I see, you know he loves you and your role and wishes he can be like you.” Val smiled.

 

“Well, he is getting tall enough for it.” Marta smiled.

 

They said their goodbyes. Val went to their old home and up the stairs. They opened a secret study they had fashioned behind a bookcase. It just seemed this was the best thing to do. The room was supposed to be a small storage and Val still used it to keep some goods. After the door broke down years ago, they just decided to change it into this. Once upon a time Simon and Ida Ordish also lived in this house. They had made the house bigger when Val was growing up. Val had been the only child until a few years ago they had a sister. Val’s sister died some years ago when they were giving birth to children. Her name had been Vera. Val had been a bit jealous of her. Vera had been jealous of Val. This small room was once a bath and closet when a storm had collapsed the roof over there so they kept it as an additional storage hardly used. Unbeknownst to Val’s parents, Val had asked put it some loose boards and antlers and fixed the roof as they were growing older. No one seemingly knew. And, they liked to keep it that way. And, as that part had been a bit unstable they were encouraged not to go there. It was a good thing Val and Vera did not share rooms. Val being considered a boy and chief deacon who had to study a lot was given their own room. They had space in the house so it wasn’t a problem.

 

Val then took out some papers, sighed and started writing…though, they looked an old entry too…

 

“ _January 7_

 

_Three more were sent today to live among the Scalled, their sores too florid to disguise. They had seven children between them, all of whom Papa Knoth has sent with the others into my foster care. I now have more than forty orphans under my wing, who love me desperately, as only can a child abandoned by the parents they thought were as natural and dependable a fact as the rising sun. And I love them. As I will never have children of my own, and have so much love to give. When God leaves them, too, I will be there with comforts and guidance._

 

_What do these dreams mean?”_

 

 

 


	2. I Wanna  Feel Your Hunger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, another chapter of this fic. 
> 
> Alright, I wanna make some things clear. There are many readings to Val's gender. Some of them actually said they were cis woman. Now, I did not completely agree with that read. Some said they were castrated male. Some also say they are trans woman. 
> 
> The latter one has become more popular on Tumblr. I had made Val intersex because it made sense to me to the culture of The Testament of New Ezekiel that a intersex individual would be chief deacon. Now, Val in this chapter shows that they are more female leaning of many things so this incorporates the trans female perspective. I have not erased it. So, please don't think that.

 

**I Wanna Feel Your Hunger**

 

 

 

 

“ _February 10_

_It was sad today. I think I feel sad most days now. Sometimes, the children ask questions I don’t have ready answers for. They audibly voice their discontents, their sorrows and even their anger. Children have not mastered the technique of hiding their feelings and emotions, which is more proof of their innocence. There is a belief; I feel it rise like a rumour, or rather a fever. These children, these children born of the lesser whores, are to be the children that are sacrificed. I do not understand why sacrifice will become an issue here. I do not understand if Knoth agrees to this or if he is the one who ascertained the lesser whores as the signs to our damnation. I do not know if the children I care for are to be the antichrist. They all seem so normal that I do not see the seeds of evil within them. Also, hasn’t the gospels talked about the antichrist being a baby whose eyes opening will damn the world? I don’t see how it could be children under my care. I haven’t discussed this with anyone. Not even Marta. Who can I discuss this with? I know no one can really say much. Our words don’t always have power. But I am concerned about how people feel that getting rid of these children seem to not disturb them in the slightest. I wonder what I will ever have to say to the children? I hope nothing harsh or cruel. They already want their parents back at times. Wailing, it is not joyous all. They feel at times pretending to be playing house. Then the best minute wanting the game to be over. Often, brutally realising it is not a game. That their parents are gone. If not dead than close to it. I understand the need for parental love. I know my own relationship with my parents were a bit difficult ever since I was chosen to be chief deacon. Which, unfortunately, have covered most of my existence till their passing. It pains me to know how my mother was so happy that she had a girl and then wept dearly when that girl-child was gone. I understand her. I don’t begrudge her. Perhaps, she just wanted someone to understand her own pains. Her own domestic quandaries, which I am told that I won’t understand at all, no longer being of the ilk of women._

_Though, was I far removed from that ilk?_

_This is a question that often crosses my path, deep, even within the night and my sleep._

_I feel oddly aroused by a dream or dreams I keep having where I am both male and female. Making love to each of my forms with a delicacy and ferocity of only one who knows their limits. I am not used to relegating the “she” from who I am. I don’t know how to do it. To rid the “she” in me feels like a castration. No. Is a castration. I am daunted by that possibility even if I know that is what people want me to do. It is a doing I do not ever want._

_What are these feelings, and what do they mean_?”

 

Val had taken a nap in their old home, which they had inherited from their parents. It was around 10 past 5 in the morning and the children were now busy with school and being June Bishop’s priority and headache. Val had directly heard complaints from Bishop that Samantha Penny and Augustus Bright had got up on their desks during a class assignment to protest widely on their exile from their parents. They had also heard that Bishop was forced to call Paul and some of his pen. Augustus was slapped on the face by Paul Mills and he had pulled Samantha’s hair. None of them cried out as much as they showed their building rage. Bishop had confided that though she understood the children she could not completely accept their aggression.

 

“I am not responsible for it!” June Bishop cried out in frustration, “I am not the one who said they have to live with you or that their parents be branded as lesser whores!” she was sobbing, “I am now and older woman, I am close to fifty, this is an absurd feeling…to cater to the anger of children…” then weakly smiling, “You lot were easier to handle.”

 

“But we had our parents and a pretty normal life.” Val argued, something in them would support the children, always, “I know your qualms are justified but you agreed so were theirs.”

 

“It’s just difficult…” Bishop cried a little more, “Do you know that Sharon would not drink milk the other day but she poured on the floor in anger? I had mad her clean it up. I made her do extra work. There seems to have been clamouring of support when she was doing it. I also have to…” Bishop was exhausted and Val could tell, “Make sure rampant bullying does not break out.” Unlike, when Marta was in school and Bishop had been younger, it seemed with age she had come about with some maturity, “I know in my lesson plan discussed with you, Papa Knoth, Laird and the others that one of our aims is to show who can be the Enemy. But in a school with so many children whose parents have gone to the Scalled you can imagine the ones who haven’t, the ‘bourgeoisie’ of the bunch, would always point to some like the Brights and even Miranda Barrow. Some of the younger children were so sad they refused to eat knowing they are being called the Enemy.” She looked worried and was sobbing, “I feel this is like a self-imposed Armageddon than a biblical one in the school right now seeing it is so chaotic at times. Even in the silence, you can feel the tension can break under a whip or something. I don’t understand much of anything these days. I know the gospels. I have been keen with them since I was a young woman. I know our nation had to grow before the ends of days. But, aside the visions we see daily. I did not think it can be worse.”

 

“I understand your problems; trust me I do.” Val approached this tentatively, “However, it’s just…” Val looked a bit sad, “I am also trying…” In their eyes, June saw that they too were struggling with new responsibilities and exhaustion, “I think they are just really confused. They all have been good enough children and they don’t know why they feel they are being _punished_.”

 

June looked at the tired Val. It seemed they were also not having good enough sleep. There was a soft spot between them; between mentor and former student. June had been school teacher for most of the children here till they had graduated with occasional help from Kent and Brewer, Vincent and Rosemary Hawthorne. She had more regular help from Mad Ol’ Maggie, who after Marta had graduated from school, had come around to cleaning and also teaching poetry alongside June Bishop. Geraldine Rubery, who had once been the wife of Albert Lane, had helped as well. She had kept her maiden name after her husband was executed. Her marriage to the leech was not one of great happiness. June understood and knew most of the children she had taught. She felt terrible for them too but how could she conduct order if her smart pupils, like Augustus and Samantha made a ruckus? She was also worried what would happen when they understood that perhaps some of their parents wouldn’t get better. What was the sickness of the soul was also contested in secret amongst most of the members of The Testament of New Ezekiel. The discussions, if not always secret, had a tendency to erupt into small quarrels on whose husband did what and whose wife did what. It was not always a juncture of ‘civilised’ conversation in Temple Gate.

 

There were also the ‘naysayers.’ The ‘naysayers’ were a group of people, who Marta and Val, Laird and Paul alongside Corgan and Zedekiah Knoth, were supposed to be finding out. Corgan had personally brought out two ‘naysayers’ to the chapel a month ago. They were burned alive. They had been distant relations of the Peters and bore the same name. That night was an awful one at the boarding house. Nathaniel, Jessica and Samuel Peters had rushed at Val to find out what had happened to their family. Val couldn’t lie. It was first Nathaniel who had broken down, being the youngest amongst the Peters children. Samuel was the second to go — despite being the oldest it was too much to bear for him to see him losing family everywhere. Only Jessica had remained calm and actually seemed to be taking things like an adult. Val could have sworn seeing her mother on her face.

 

“We have to be brave, boys.” She casually referred to her brothers, “If we are not strong, it’ll be harder for Mama and Dad. They won’t be able to take losing so much in one go.” She then smiled at Val, “Also, we have Val.”

 

Val distinctly saw her mother on Jessica’s face. The woman who punched Paul Mills for calling her a ‘lesser whore’ while being dragged out of their home for becoming the Scalled. Usually, Marta didn’t always like to be part of Scalled interrogation parties. She had by then killed around over thirty people for trying to leave Temple Gate or for one thing or the other. Val had asked once what it felt like, killing someone. Marta had not immediately answer. Marta’s job was get people who were not so dedicated to the Testament of New Ezekiel or breaking rules in a horrible fashion. One of the kills was someone who was stealing food for communion feasts who was actually a Bryant. Even though it was Justus Bryant’s uncle who got cleaved by Marta he wanted to be like her. On mentioning his uncle’s fate by Val, he had stated:

 

“He did wrong. He should have stolen food for our joined feasts. Marta is The Sentinel. She was only doing what her divine task was.”

 

Claudius Turner or as he was known also as Claudius Knoth, did not always like Marta: “She is just a big nuisance.” He was heard saying though Justus has in confidence told Val, “He is only jealous of her like Corgan Knoth. Let’s not forget he is a bastard Knoth who has less privileges than Corgan, Zedekiah, Lois and Maryanne Knoth.”

 

Val was lost to their thoughts, thinking of certain things. They didn’t notice that June was looking intently at them as well. Soon June embraced Val, “Oh my dear sweet Val. I wish I could help you more as well.” Val almost slumped in their teacher’s arms. They were so tired. Taking care of the children alongside helping with confession was some of the most laborious works in Temple Gate. They were also sure Marta’s job of covering so many areas by foot and looking at places so much was also hard work. Though, Marta was kind enough to help with laundry and cooking. It seems to Val, more and more, that Marta was one of the people they could count now.

 

They fell asleep with June Bishop’s lap due to the fatigue. It had been a very tiring day that day.

 

June fanned Val’s face and saw them in complete slumber.

 

It had also been Val’s duty to go meet June regularly so that they could be updated on the children under their care.

 

Usually, June had a pot of strong milky or raw tea or a nice coffee with milk ready for them. June stated that Val should sometimes have dinner with her, which she offered to cook all by themselves beforehand. Val was touched by the offer but had to usually decline as they had to cook alongside with the 40+ orphans who lived with them. Still, June got out some small sugary pies or some cake with the teas or coffees she served to Val when they talked. One of the cakes Val had recently reminded them of Helen Bailey. Bishop then confirmed to Val, that yes, Helen was kind enough to teach her the recipe with some nice smelling flowers. Val has asked for a piece to take home but in reality, they had given it to Marta as a midnight snack.

 

Marta had tears in her eyes when she ate the cake. Val secretly saw. There was both a pain in seeing Marta cry and a pain to know how dear Helen was still to Marta. Val had wished they could exchange places. Or, perhaps, them and Asher. Asher Arazabel was another mystery.

 

Tonight, Val could see that Bishop had put on a strong doze of coffee on, “Thank You Madame.” They all sometimes called her that on account on her being their teacher, “I really have to talk to you and go to confession again tonight. Then I have a meeting with Papa Knoth.”

 

“Aww, my poor sweet Val…” June seemed to been heating the cake slightly on an already warm pan, “You have so much to do.”

 

“Yeah, I’m…” Val didn’t know how to phrase it again without sounding they were nagging or whining, but it was the truth, “So tired.”

 

“Perhaps, you should have a talk about this with Papa Knoth?”

 

“Yeah…I have decided that I need to…” Val sat down and welcomed the brewed, hot coffee with milk like a heavenly dish. They decided they should get some of the coffee in their house too. As Val could not really stay their nights. They had to stay with the children in one of their rooms or a separate study for them. They had to make sure the children did not feel already more alone than they felt. Sometimes, they would have a pleasant surprise. They would wake up and find Marta beside them. Marta who had already readied the oats for breakfast and milked her cows for Val. The milk was usually from the small cattle that Marta kept next to their own house which was both fearfully and affectionately called “Marta’s Piece.”  

 

Marta really helped them a lot. Then there was Geraldine and Maggie who seemed to help out for most lunches and dinners. Mad Ol’ Maggie was not a less hermetic figure when the children were getting displaced. She came in with pots of soup and even made breakfast broth out of wheat and molasses for the children. Sometimes she made brought along buttered bread and fresh berries or good jams. Geraldine also did most of these chores as well. Geraldine had a daughter and a son from two different fathers, whom she had also taught. Jair Rubery was now in the class as well. Unlike most of the ‘bourgeoisie’ he had not acted unfairly to the any of the orphaned children. He understood what it meant to be different. When his mother came to help out, Jair also did and would seem to be eating all his meals or spending a lot of time with the kids at the boarding house. Susanna, Geraldine’s oldest daughter, didn’t always approve. She knew her father was actually the Bryant that got killed Marta. Not that she cared, she thought him to be a dead beat who her Mama had fun with. She actually liked Knoth a lot. Too much (yeah, they did have sex). She was very fond of her brother Jair who she treated also like her son and was worried that Jair would get cursed being around the children of lesser whores.

 

There was also a rumour going on, which people decided not to investigate much and avoid as much as possible. Val knew it was true. That Geraldine Rubery and Maggie Bland were lovers. And, have been ever since Albert had passed away. It just seemed Maggie seemed to understand Geraldine’s listlessness after her husband’s death. One thing led to another and love blossomed. No one seemed to care much to verify staunchly them as lovers. Marta didn’t seem to care one bit. Paul did, always trying to expose them when the interest too him. It was strange that when Blake would visit the Scalled encampment that despite some people muttering about being gay that Geraldine and Maggie weren’t there at all. Geraldine and Maggie would be happy for as long as they had been together, which was till the ends of their lives. Till Knoth pretty much forced them all to end their own lives to escape the antichrist or whatever Murkoff had told them to do.

 

“You should…” June Bishop brought Val back to the present, “Even with us helping out. There are around forty-five children whose parents have been Scalled. It is a lot of responsibility. I don’t know how we only a handful are supposed to manage such a large bunch of children.” Bishop looked contemplative, “I mean, I have taught a lot of you while you grew up but this is not only teaching in a classroom. Most of these new batch of children in in a boarding house. They don’t have parents anymore. They live with you. They seem to have no stability.” June sighed, “What I mean is, is that this is not a regular boarding school sort of situation that the world outside entails. This is a form of exodus for the children. Yes, I chose the right word, ‘exodus,’” The response came from Val’s surprised face and then they seemed to accept the semantics of the situation, “It isn’t really pleasant for any of us. We have to do more than make do. The situation will spiral out of control otherwise.”

 

Val nodded, “I thought of sometimes visiting the encampment of the Scalled — to see how they are doing.” The latter response was to answer the alertness of Bishop’s face.

 

“Are we allowed to go there?” June looked at Val hesitantly.

 

“Not always. There are only some special occasions.” Val explained, “We are not to be getting the sickness of the soul.”

 

“The sickness of the soul.” June repeated, “You know the ‘naysayers’ state it is STDs.”

 

“I am still a bit unsure what that means.” Val confessed.

 

“In the world outside, there are STDs, sexually transmitted diseases…” June carefully detailed to Val, who listened closely, “It is because of unprotected sex. And, to be frank,” she said this to the other in a whisper most secretive so Val had to lean in, “I am not so sure if they are wrong. We have,” in a lighter thread of air her face was closer now to Val’s, “People here having sex all the time. With different people. There had been extramarital affairs in secret as well, without contraception, or protection like condoms. It can happen Val. Perhaps, what I am saying is heresy. Yet, it can be true.”

 

“It is indeed a heresy.” Val looked a bit annoyed and June became tight lipped and expressionless, “Papa Knoth says the ‘naysayers’ try to distort the truth. We are not in the world outside June. We are in the holy grounds of Temple Gate. Surely, this affliction has to be the sickness of the soul.”

 

“Then…”  June says after a while of restrained silence had come between them, “That you agree that the children are the children of lesser whores and should be killed as probable risings of the antichrist?”

 

To this Val fell silent. Bishop made a sort of a snorting noise to show her chagrin. “I am sorry.” Val apologises, alarming June, “I didn’t mean to be so annoyed…” Val sat down finally, they hoped they were still welcomed after behaving so discourteously to the host, “It is just…” rubbing the bridges of their nose, “It feels just strange that these sexually transmitted diseases would take over us from the world outside.” Then looking closely at Bishop who sat down, “Does this mean, the end of days is near?”

 

“You tell me.” June answered helplessly, “You are chief deacon.”

 

“I may be, but you have been my teacher.” Val replied then questioned, “What do you think?”

 

“I am not certain this is Armageddon. To be frank,” again a whisper, “I have my doubts about everything in Temple Gate in recent years.” Then with solemnness, “I thought I would be happier here. I don’t know if I have been completely. I have in some moments. There was a passage of time here that I have been inordinately happy. But, that changed in recent years. Since people started dying by Marta’s pickaxe and seeing her weep in secret. To see Paul and Corgan have such happy bloodshed, to see the prayers of the travailing women. I know some people are very happy but as they say in the world outside where I came from,” she looked at Val unflinchingly, “This is not what I signed up for.”

 

The words took a powerful hold on Val. They had to sit with them intimately. They knew that some of the content of these words, even their context, could be considered a profound heresy eligible to meet the quick and sharp end of Marta’s blade or Paul and Corgan’s. There was still a decisive truth to it. What had the people who migrated here from Albuquerque had come here for?

 

Their gospels say “Grace unto you, but never peace.” Those words sometimes were chilling to Val. They also seem to chill Marta at times as well. But Val didn’t know how to accommodate them to how they felt so they didn’t always try to think about it. It made them somewhat miserable when they thought about it.

 

“What did you sign up for?”

 

“I guess some peace, if not all. The world outside was not necessarily nice either. We had some intermittent peace here that I think was not always possible there.” June explained, “When we were leaving there had been some wars being fought; people could be drafted without any choice, at least, I felt over here, we had some volition.” Then she closed her eyes for a bit, the pot hissed with boiling water and Val was about to get it but June showed her a sign that it was okay and went to get the boiling water. The smell of coffee was stronger now as June poured over some nice blue ceramic mugs, still looking new, boiling water and put in the coffee and drained it and put in some good milk, which came from some cows. There was a chicken cooking in the pot nearby, as Val noticed, perhaps a late supper for the schoolmaster. Then she set down the mugs and Val drank a bit of the coffee; outside was a pure purple mix with burnt orange and flickering crimson, the sun dipping ever so slightly on the horizon like a trampoline act between night and day, or was it nodding of? A final salutation, a marker, like a thumbprint on some white and mist paper, on the hardships both Val and June were facing. “But perhaps,” June started again, looking at dyed sunset, “I was only kidding myself.” Looking straight at Val, “Volition means an act of personification not enforced contrition.”

 

The meaning was not entirely vague. Val got it. Punishment for the sake of punishment was a bad thing. Instead of restraint they were pretty excessive when it came to hand down punishments. To place blame, their community had intimacy in scraps — no one would completely trust each other. Initially, that was not always the case. However, ever since Temple Gate became larger and was established that became a normalcy to be expected. One of the events that heralded this was the killing of the Clarences. That poor family executed when invited over for lunch one day by Papa Knoth. Then there had been the execution of Albert Lane, their predecessor. Both events became a bulwark to judge that the predicaments in Temple Gate could get dire and fast. People could mark those as precedents to what was happening now — conversations around the hearth or the camp with coffee or tea precipitated from this juncture. Critical commentaries would enmesh different genres of narratives but these were the samplings of Temple Gate that were offered as intellectual engagements. Like some colloquial idiom these happenings were well known as the gospels themselves so no one was unchristianed to them. The only thing was that these were also incendiary items.

 

An example, is that the Mills, even though losing the popular vote via Val’s ascension to chief deacon enjoyed some success in recent years with Paul as the head of the interrogators. Paul still had Papa Knoth’s ear and still could be persuasive. There was already a steady rivalry, albeit one sided, between him and Val. As an insult, Paul mistakenly called Val as ‘she’, which was a showing of disdain even if Atarah Rippington, Paul’s wife, seemed not at all unhappy with Val and was happy having their children confess to them. It was Paul being petty. Paul just angry that he lost so much. The Mills who were still alive and well enough did not completely find the Clarences to be undeserving of their fate. This was a bit of a controversial positionality because unlike Albert Lane, who was an asshole and people didn’t miss, the Clarences were a pious sort and a friendly neighbour. There was not always direct admonishing against them even though Papa Knoth had told everyone to hate them. Truth was, many people carried mixed feelings. They wanted Papa Knoth to baptise them again, to have them apologise, because they were not so hated. Yet, even Petunia Mills, to the great annoyance of Anna Bailey and Rosemary Hawthorne, had, even after her demotion, considered the Clarences a nuisance to be better rid of. Now, Rosemary had speculated that this was just to stay on the side of the good road. She wasn’t wrong because Petunia struggled to get recognition ever since being dethroned and beating her husband didn’t always give her as much joy as she thought it would (granted it was still blissful to give it to that old wife beater). Some of her attentions paid off as Paul was also following suit. Paul was determined to lost ‘lose’ though in many ways he had already lost. Val was still prized as the best. Val’s ‘maidenhood’ made things feel purer and sanctioned a sense of innocence that felt like a deacon’s way.

 

Well, there were some who shared the Mills’s views of the Clarences. There were many more who hated Albert and had been most happy seeing them getting quartered. Here, the unpopular notion was to show him clemency which the Baileys and Hawthornes had to be weary of. Granted, they did not like Albert but they weren’t sure if a public humiliation and execution of him was the right way to go. Not to mention, they thought Knoth denouncing the Mills publicly was in very bad taste. Of course, the Mills agreed on that part. They didn’t understand why Father Martin had not like them anymore. Even to the present day, with Paul growing older and having some recognition, some part of him regaining their former glory, they still couldn’t completely get it. They understood that Val, whom they called a ‘cursed body’, was easier to have around seeing that their status of transforming from girl to boy still creeped out some people. The lecherous nature of Albert Lane would not necessarily be repeated on Val (and to that they were right). However, that would imply that Paul was lecherous which was also quite erroneous as he had seemingly been committed (as much as a Temple Gate extremist and sexist could be) to his wife, Atarah. They had at times hit the nail with the hammer when they realised the Ordishes were poor and able to be manipulated. They didn’t voice this. They had to be content in seeing Paul graduate from complete devastation to some other senior position, even if Paul wasn’t always satisfied with it.

 

There had been other instances along the way but these two crucial ones now stood out to Val.

 

“Well…” June Bishop took Val’s silence as a mediator to get back on track, “I suppose we should start talking about the children.” Val nodded, “You know The Brights are not a problem much after that odd incident where Paul had to smack Augustus,” Val felt Paul was being extra hard on Augustus because he treated Val more or less as a sibling and parent than just adoptive chief deacon, “I know they still resent me and don’t really always wanna learn their lessons. I can’t really do much about that.”

 

Val nods, “Augustus and his sister Patty are a handful.” Though they smile, “I understand them though. They are curious. They want answers. As a thirteen-year-old who haven’t start her blood covenant and a twelve year old who seemingly has a blood covenant of his own I get them.”

 

“Mind you,” June laughed, “I like their ferocity. I really do. We need people with principles in Temple Gate. This is the most important thing. I also was very happy when Samantha Penny also asks questions. Well joining her were her own siblings. Joab and John were adamant as her as well.” Then drinking her tea, “Today, I saw Elijah Turner and Zemira Ellis kiss for the first time in my class. I let them.” Val gave a smirk, “Yes, perhaps I am getting old. In your time I would have been pretty angry with that kind of behaviour. But, I saw it as natural. Two Twelve year olds kissing. Though Job Duke and Ruby and Sharon Hazel had pretty much today had a tantrum and scattered all the colours. I think they get angry at times.”

 

“Yes, they do.” Val explained, “They would be fine when suddenly they may start crying and get angry.”

 

“I think out of all of them Claudius Brown or as he likes to call himself Claudius Knoth is the most adamant and arrogant one.” June now looked annoyed, “He knows that he and Phoebe Turner are directly Knoths as well it was explained so and he makes it to be more than the bourgeoisie and all the others. He has airs. Reminds me of Corgan if you ask me.”

 

“What about Phoebe?” Val asked worried.

 

“At first, she wanted to get along with everyone. But increasingly, she is adopting the rules that Claudius is bringing forth. Claudius is twelve and Phoebe is ten. I think she thinks she should listen to her older brother.” June saddened, “This is also creating problems between well you know the Turners. Evelyn, Evan and Anna are all doing their prayers properly. You know they like drawing biblical images and reading prayers a lot. They also love memorable favourite gospel quotes. Well, they are finding Phoebe’s reactions a mortal sin and also a spiritual sin. Her arrogance. The Browns all like serving their brother hoping this would get them better position.”

 

“I can understand Hadrian,” Val mentioned, “He had always been pretty supportive of his older brother being eight and all. Bernice is ten and she does love reading her books and prayers. I guess I thought she would be the median amongst them.”

 

“She hardly reads now and though likes reading from gospel of Knoth she has made enemies amongst the bourgeoisie, calling them the antichrist who deserve to die.” June quietens, “It seems she just misses her mama and papa a lot. Well, she had been insistent in meet Papa Knoth, saying if he is of Knoth’s loins so she must be too. Of course, this makes Claudius and Bernice butt heads at times like two bulls at each other. But, I suppose this is how children can become.” June saddens then brightens, “The Candles are no problem. They seem to like measuring the value of good foods to eat. They like cooking even their boys. Though you know in our culture boys are not really encouraged to learn cooking, it seems their parents taught them all. I think Tamara has affections for Uzziah Ellis. I can see her hoping to catch the attention of the older boy. But, I suppose young love can happen. “

 

“I will try to see what I can do about Claudius and Phoebe, Sharon, Ruby and Sharon Hazel and Job Duke. I know we can find a solution.” Val drank their coffee and got up. They started surveying the books that June had, some of them seemed ‘illegal’ by the standards of Temple Gate.

 

“I have brought many books hidden in my trunks.” June Bishop confesses, “I knew perhaps they weren’t; completely ‘right’ by our standards. But, I wanted them around with me. I have gotten very happy with them and I didn’t want to part with them.” June beamed, “There is a joy in books. You know, you and Marta should inherit some of them.” She looked ecstatic, “I don’t think it will be safe with anyone else and you two looked good enough to keep them safe.”

 

“Are you sure?” Val looked at some of the books — _One Hundred Years of Solitude_ , _To Kill a Mockingbird_ , _The Phantom Tollbooth_ , _Jane Eyre_ , _Wuthering Heights_ , _The Professor_ , _Pride and Prejudice_ , _Emma, Where the_ _Wild Things Are, James and The Giant Peach, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Slaughterhouse Five, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, The Left Hand of Darkness, Wide Sargasso Sea, The Last Unicorn, A Clockwork Orange_ and then they found _Lord of the Flies_. “Oh, this one seems interesting…” They picked up the book.

 

“That one jars you.” June commented, “It is a deeply philosophical book. I am afraid Papa Knoth may not like it.” Then fondly, “I re-read most of them. I got some Shakespeare too. You may actually like _Hamlet_ and _Othello_. I actually gave Marta to read _Othello_ and _Macbeth_. “

 

“Has she read them?” Val smiled, despite their closeness Val did not knew that Marta read. Their smile wavered a bit. Marta didn’t tell them that. Perhaps, there was a reason. Then Val wondered if they should ask her.

 

“I am not sure if she is done with them.” June decides to get some more coffee, the pot was still hot she poured in some more water and strained the beans and put it some milk, “Yet, I like The Sentinel likes reading.” As if musing, “I think she is killed around thirty people or more ever since she has been seventeen or eighteen.” Looking at Val, “This may take a toll on her. It’s good that she gets to read and relax.”

 

Val had to admit she was right. Val drank her coffee, the mug they had brought along while surveying the books, “Can I borrow one of them? The _Lord of the Flies_ one?”

 

“Sure.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

When Val walked into the chapel they could hear wailing. And, it wasn’t joyous all.

 

They looked up at a sullen Marta. Marta’s hands were covered in blood, “What happened?” Val asked urgently.

 

“It’s still happening.” Marta commented and motioned towards a young dark haired woman, around twenty years of age, struggling with Nick and hitting by Paul who had hit her first.

 

Val saw Papa Knoth.

 

Knoth had gone strangely obese in all of his years. Knoth also suspiciously limped when he walked and looked quite harangued at times to breathe. They didn’t exactly know if old age was like this but Marta and Val had their concerns. They also seem to sometimes had strange pustules, almost hidden by clothes, but gone in a while. Not like the Scalled. Yet, Marta and no one, not even Val commented much on this.

 

They hadn’t both really thought of this.

 

And, when they did, they didn’t always disclose things to the other.

 

“You fucking bastards! Papa Knoth! I am telling you! I am telling you!” The young woman cried, “My parents and aunt! I am telling you they are not opposing you! They are not naysayers!”

 

“Are you telling me that Chief deacon Val lied to me?” Papa Knoth bellowed, “That he had some suspicions that were wrong? That your parents and you aunt talked about things other than the sickness of the soul?!”

 

“I just believe it is a misunderstanding!” The young woman cried and to this Corgan Knoth punched her right in the face; blood came out. Val gasped. Marta looked on a bit tenderly.

 

“Shut up wench!”  Corgan Knoth started, “Marta may have hit them enough to stop them…” a maniacal glint in his eyes, “But I am the man who cut their throats. I know lesser whores when I see them and I can sniff them too!”

 

“Harriet Harrington.” Papa Knoth coldly spoke, “You will come tonight to my home and give your body to me as penance. I have no more to speak to you.”

 

Nick then threw Harriet on the ground, she got up and looked at Val and Marta coldly, “Chief deacon Val…you…Marta…” she looked sad then angry and then went away.

 

Marta, Laird, Nick, Paul, Corgan and the select butchers with the interrogators left the chapel. Marta had given Val a weak smile before leaving. Val could have sworn they saw Marta look teary. Paul sneered and decided to give a dirty look at Val. Val just smirked making Paul angry when he left. Corgan just gave a nod which Val returned. Nick smiled at Val so they smiled back and Laird also gave a nice jovial nod.

 

Now Val was alone with Sullivan Knoth.

 

Knoth looked very happy to see Val, “Oh, my blessed boy! It is you!”

 

“Yes, Papa Knoth, we had a meeting?” Val smiled.

 

“Of course, we did. We have pressing matters to attend you. The children —“

 

“Yes, about the children…” Val walked forth, “I just really needed to talk about them.”

 

Knoth seemed annoyed for being interrupted. Ever since he became the Modern Ezekiel he had enjoyed a station of power with wealth and women. It also included the ability to talk uninterrupted for long periods of time on the radio. Most people wouldn’t ask Knoth direct questions for fear of Knoth getting angry and having Marta, Paul or Corgan and their men to silence them. Though, this has happened sometimes as Corgan or Paul usually took care of it — greedy and sycophantic as they were. Marta had to do it once and had actually asked the other person to apologise first, which Knoth got a bit mad as he felt an offense to him could not be repented over. So, Marta was told to then kill the person and she did. Though, Val recognised hesitation in her demeanour.

 

“Well, what do you want to say?”

 

“There are many children and I think it becomes very problematic with me at times to help them in every way. I wish I could be in more places at once and do my job as diligently as I could. The children are young and do need constant care. I feel that sometimes that this becomes a barrier because I cannot always look at my other duties if I feel the children are being ignored. It also makes them feel lonelier, thinking we have also abandoned them. I have to go to confessionals most nights as well. So, when I go, or when I don’t go I want the children to be taken care of or at least have someone to look out for them.” Val, with utmost clarity, explained the situation.

 

“So, you say you need more help?” Knoth surveyed Val, “Well, you are a strong man but I suppose it is a very taxing job, taking care of the lesser whores’ children.”

 

“There are forty-five of them Papa Knoth.” Val defended their position, “I am happy to do work for them. To love and care for them, but I do need some spare hands at times. It feels quite taxing to cook for over forty people by myself all the time when I have other services to attend to. For example, almost every night is confession night. If I am to be take care of the congregation during confession who will take care of the children? They do need attention Papa Knoth. And, it is not that there are my own children. I am not saying they are badly behaved and that they  cause a ruckus when they don’t find them but it is good to have at least someone nearby when I have to do that work.”

 

“Are you sure you are not spoiling them with over attention, young man?” Papa Knoth asked while surveying the bust of animals and a man in the chapel. There had been a large wheel put on one side. Countless wheels upon wheels was the credo of The Testament of New Ezekiel. Sometimes, wheels scared Val; the only person they were able to share this to was Marta.

 

“I am not.” Val determined spoke clearly albeit cautiously, “I just feel, seeing recent events, they will be scared and feel abandoned and we don’t want a ruckus in the boarding house at night. It will look and sound pretty bad and disturb others.”

 

“Yes, Yes…” Knoth nodded, “You are right. Perhaps, it is good that Geraldine and Maggie help you out. I will make sure that they permanently help you out as part of their duties to The Testament of New Ezekiel. There will be some other help. I will ask the women.”

 

Val nods.

 

Then the question that was pressing them, seemed to erupt in a whimper, a death to their frustration of not-knowing: “Papa Knoth…are these children really the children of lesser whores? What is to happen to them? Will they grow up as I raise them and will they become part of the nation of Temple Gate?”

 

Knoth smiled, eerily, Val would remember this smile when they would be writing their final letter to Knoth, “They are the children of lesser whores, Val. You should know that as my chief deacon. They may be the start of it all.”

 

“The start of it all?”

 

“The end of days Val.” Papa Knoth looked secured in his knowledge, “God has spoken to us before these lesser whores. Now, the nation has been formed. The sword should be readied. We are already seeing more afflictions. God has spoken to me and said that this is the right time. I hope the children will be ready.”

 

Val’s guts seem to twist, they felt a heaving, but they somehow controlled it, “Ready for what?”

 

“Their time to paradise has come Val.” Knoth looked a bit disappointed at Val asking so many questions, “We will prepare them for their ultimate purpose. Their reaping will feed the grass. They are all tainted by the antichrist and must now be saved by our blades. We will sharpen them and be prepared for the coming of the greater whore.”

 

“But Papa Knoth, but you told the Scalled that being penitent will allow them mercy.” Val was confused, “So, even if there are lesser whores, shouldn’t they forgiven if they are repentant?”

 

“No.” Papa Knoth surmised it in one word, “There is a chance they will not be. They are whores and God has already forsaken them. I asked God and he told me that there may be no cure for them. They are the Scalled for a reason.”

 

Val found this a bit hard to stomach, “So, their children will have to be killed?”

 

“ _Sacrificed_ , yes…” Papa Knoth corrected them, “However, it is not only those children. God has told me every child newly born, newly going to be born and of a particular age must be sacrificed to fasten ourselves for the birth of the greater whore.”

 

Val felt their guts churning. It was an upkeep not to vomit, though they quietly asked, “Who will tell the children about all of this? And _how_?” Val knew from a young age that Temple Gate was meant to sharpen the knives and get ready but so _soon_? And, with the kids that they are taking care of? This was a lot to handle.

 

“What do you mean, what and how you are going to tell the children?” Knoth sounded angry, “It is your and June Bishop to explain to the children that what is happening to them is what God wants and that they should be happy for it. I will talk to June Bishop myself tomorrow. She will be given a lesson plan. It is your job young man to make sure that apart from school the children under your care will be pretty well handled.”

 

Val took some time to adjust to this new information. Before Knoth could ask them why they were just standing there, “It would be confusing for the children.” Val gently approached, “They won’t understand what they have done wrong. The ones who are not under my care —“

 

“Are not really your headache, Val.” Knoth looked seriously annoyed, “Listen to me!” Val was taken aback by the anger, “It isn’t about wrong or right! It’s about what God wants!”

 

Val was confused right now. Wasn’t God for rights and wrong? And, Justice? Why was Knoth speaking like this? This seemed unusual, “I was only saying that those who are not under my care will also be confused. They think the other children had done wrong so that is why they are already a bit separated.”

 

“Oh yes, the so-called bourgeoisie.” So, Knoth had heard, “That doesn’t matter if their parents are here or amongst the Scalled.” Knoth stressed, “They are going to enter into paradise. They should be happy for such an honour. That is what we are going to explain to them.” Then looking straight at Val with a look that showed he had explained all there was he stated, “I know I made myself clear now young man.”

 

“I suppose you did.” Val was still unsatisfied but they didn’t exactly know how to voice it. Was the Enemy really amongst them in the form of the children that they took care of? They knew they were scared now. It was scary to think that their children were going to die. That they were sacrifices.

 

It made them feel sick.

 

Even if God wanted it; did God really want it?

 

Val loved God so much. God has brought them here in Temple Gate on their little slice of paradise and they were grateful for that. Yet, was it really a paradise, if children were to be sacrificed? They were so confused. Hoping God would provide a way.

 

“After this…” Knoth pressed on Val’s shoulder, making them slightly shudder and break out of the reverie, “We will wait for the end of days. When the greater whore is born, we will have our knives ready after all lesser ones we killed we will be ready. And, then we will ascend to paradise everlasting.” Knoth smiled, and slowly brushed Val’ face, slowly moving a stray blonde strand on their face, “Ah, look at you.” Val slowly looked nicely at Knoth, “You are beautiful as you are righteous and diligent. God had sent you to us for this, Val. You are to be one of our greatest. You are one of our greatest. The fine work you are doing. We couldn’t have asked for a better chief deacon. One who is hungry for the righteous like you. We are all hungry for the righteous.”

 

Val smiled and touched Knoth’s arm, “I won’t let you down Papa Knoth.”

 

* * *

 

“Was it a good meeting?”

 

“Why didn’t you tell me that you read?”

 

Marta seemed caught by them, “Are you going to tell Papa Knoth? I know, it’s imperfect, my faith is imperfect —“

 

“I didn’t say that.” Val smiled and hugged Marta who was taken a bit aback, “I am also reading, _Lord of the Flies_ , June Bishop gave me to read.”

 

“I haven’t finished the plays properly yet.” Marta looked at her hands which were cleaned now, “It is quite something to think that these plays are actually performed in the world outside. Even today. Simeon once saw a flier, you know piece of paper, talking about a _Hamlet_ play nearby.”

 

“Did he go to see it?”

 

“It needs a lot of money and Henry and John were giving him the looks.” Marta revealed, looking at the sky. Clusters of stars were chasing each other. A half-moon out like half eaten cheese kept in a cool place for the next day. The night air was cool as they were near a desert.

 

“It was a strange meeting.” Val finally answered, “You know…” They trembled and Marta noticed, “Papa Knoth wants them to die…”:

 

“Who to die?” Marta looked attentive.

 

“The children are supposed to be sacrificed. All of them, not only the ones under my car but the ones who aren’t older yet. I think Papa Knoth will say that in a sermon soon. I wonder what this means.” Val trembled more, “Is this right? I know the nation of the sword needs to be struck. I didn’t think so soon.”

 

Marta took this in. Val and she remained quiet for a long time.

 

“I will miss the children.” Marta spoke suddenly, “I didn’t know they have to be sacrificed. I don’t know anything…but, we all had to sharpen our blades. I think you and I both know this. I don’t really like this. I don’t know what to say to them. I just hope I don’t do the killing. I already have done so many killings that don’t leave me. To kill children would be…” they looked at the sky, then they looked at their hands, “Here's the smell of blood still. All perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little hand.”

 

“Marta?”

 

It was many months later that Val would know that Marta had spoken from the play _Macbeth_.

 

 


	3. Come after us. Hunt Us Down

 

**Come After Us. Hunt Us Down**

 

 

What happened was a pretty unexpected.

 

There were some children who get invariably numb. It was if the news itself was death. A death coiling itself upon them like a python coils itself upon victims. A form of rattling as the conspicuous rattle-snack. There had also been an uproar. A chance for normalcy to go down the drain.

 

Samantha Penny, Miranda Barrow, Joab Penny, John Penny, Augustus Bright, Linda Bright, Elijah Falcon, Zemira Ellis, Uzziah Ellis, Tamara Candle, Bruce Candle, Justus Bryant, Talitha Bryant, Marcus Siphon, Abigail Bryant, Jonah Bryant, Judy Tate, Tabitha Tate, Henry Tate, Michael Fairborough, Jessica Peters, Nathanial Peters, Evelyn Turner, Evan Turner, Anna Turner, Jude Turner, Phoebe Turner/Knoth, Claudius Brown/Knoth, Hadrian Brown, Bernice Brown, Susanna Candle, Aiden Candle, Sharon Hazel, Ruby Hazel, Julie Falcon, Daniel Falcon, Hayden Duke, Job Duke — almost all of the forty-five were in an outrage that made the schoolhouse tremble and feel the wrath of the children. They were not alone. Even the quiet ones like Julianna Fairborough, who keeps on writing drafts of letters to her parents, one of those letters Blake would find one day, was wearing a scowl. Patty Bright could not at all feel optimistic on this one. She broke down in tears along with her youngest brother Joseph and the glared at June Bishop, who was intimidated would be a grave understatement.

 

Talitha Bryant was usually quiet and she actually got up on one of the schoolhouse tables and starting screaming, “Sanctuary! Sanctuary!”

 

Julie Falcon also of a similar temperament alongside Daniel Falcon looked fuming and were saying the words “Betrayal and Betrayal!” All over again and again. Their shouting being controlled by a crescendo. They were having a sit off. Many of them got up on their tables to scream and shout and no matter of yelling from June Bishop was calming any of them down.

 

They were not alone in this endeavour. The youngest daughter of the Harringtons, Lisbeth, was also screaming and shouting. The chanting, “Freedom! Salvation!” They were taking out words they know and meant something to talk about their sadness.

 

They were not willing to expect that their deaths, called _sacrifices_ , was what God wanted.

 

The noise became like an atmosphere of its own.

 

It permeated the town of Temple Gate like a gutting.

 

Soon, people were surrounding the schoolhouse with apprehension. They all looked scared of their own children. Of the town’s children who had become as ferocious as the apparitions.

 

It was presumably Jacob Hazel, who was also scared by all the noise, decided to call Val Ordish. Val had heard the noise before hearing the actual reasons for it. They could hear it some houses away; right now they were at their own house. They had been writing a journal entry, which they instinctively ripped off when they heard someone running up the stairs calling out Val and then after the deed was done they heard Papa Val. They quickly exited their secret room. They had heard the noise and wondered what was it, though bothered with their writing thought to finish before investigating. As they pushed the bookcase fast over the room and exited the place they saw Jacob absolutely terrified telling them what has happened and was happening at the school.

 

But, instinctively he asked: “Is it true though, Val?”

 

“Yes.” Val didn’t have the energy to lie. Hearing what was happening to their children was excruciatingly painful.

 

It was unprecedented that children in Temple Gate acted like this.

  
Val rushed alongside Jacob to get to the school. They were allowed in. After that the children actually used the chairs and tables even one or two bookcases to board the school.

 

It was a complete lockdown.

 

The children were young but they had grown in an extreme environment and knew a lot about survival. They knew how to separate wheat from chafe, swim, fish in cold days in the desert and even cold nights, made wicker baskets, milked cows, rode horses, cooked and helped to cultivate fields. They were not about to accept anything they found absolutely ridiculous. Many of them had lost their parents to the Scalled. Now, they had to die too? Become martyrs? What would God want then? Their skeletons to made into conch shells? Their flesh to be fed to demons to cause the demons stomach ache on feeding on the righteous?

 

Why was God asking so much from them?

 

Why was God being a bully?

 

Well their ‘god’ was Murkoff who was a bully.

 

And, bullies make bullying plans such as this.

 

Val saw the screaming and yelling, even the throwing of pencils, at June had made her sit down, huddle on the floor and cry. This was too much to take.

 

“Please! Children!” Val called out throughout the chaos, “Can we settle down?!”

 

But the children would not listen to them.

 

They looked angry.

 

Some of them, upon hearing Jacob explain what Val told him, looked disappointed or angry at them. They seemed to be accusing Val for not telling them this before. And, Val did not completely know how to answer that accusation.

 

Then there was the banging.

 

The children stayed quiet for a while. Val heard the banging deepen for a while. It was the front doors. “You scum, you bastard children of lesser whores!” That was unmistakably the voice of Corgan Knoth; Val became pale, “You open these doors right now!”

 

“No, we won’t you fat piece of shit!” Cried out Samantha, “We don’t want to be martyrs!”

 

“What is this even my brother becoming a martyr!” Bernice was screaming, “I thought he was a Knoth!”

 

“Shut up! You selfish cunt!” cried out Patty Bright, surprising everyone, “This is only about yer brother! We are all going to be killed!”

 

“I am not a lesser whore!” Lisbeth cried out, “You can’t take away our parents! You can’t take away our lives!”

 

“I am not a lesser whore!” Daniel screamed.

 

“I am not a lesser whore!” Elijah screamed along.

 

“I am not a lesser whore!” Zemira shouted and joined them.

 

“I am not a lesser whore!” Jeremy, who had been quiet till now, also screamed.

 

“I am not a lesser whore!” Talitha shouted so loud, Val knew this is one of the first times they had seen her shout.

 

“I am not a lesser whore!” Phoebe rose up with energy to yell.

 

“I am not a lesser whore!” Justus Bryant and Mary Siphon also chimed in.

 

“I am not a lesser whore! I am not a lesser whore! I am not a lesser whore! I am not a lesser whore! I am not a lesser whore! I am not a lesser whore! I am not a lesser whore! I am not a lesser whore! I am not a lesser whore!” This was the rallying cry the children started shouting and truth be told it was frightening at the same time admirable.

 

Val didn’t know to be worried or proud.

 

The children were all grabbing broomsticks and other objects. They seemed ready to fight if fight was needed. They were ready to fight for their lives.

 

Val didn’t know if they should chastise them for these actions or to feel a deep melancholy fill them up. It was so cruel at the same time so fantastic that words felt insufficient to what they were seeing occur.

 

“You fucking bastards asked for it!” Corgan sounded mad, “Zedekiah Paul! Where the fuck is Marta?! Tell her to come over here!”

 

At this, the children paused for a moment, but then started screaming again. “You can’t scare us!” Judy Tate screamed out with her brother Henry, “We are not going to give in! What you are doing is murder! Not martyrs!”

 

And then a new chant started:

 

“Murders not Martyrs! Murder not Martyrs! Murder not Martyrs! Murders not Martyrs! Murders not Martyrs! Murders not Martyrs! Murders not Martyrs! Murders not Martyrs! Murders not Martyrs! Murders not Martyrs!”

 

Their passion. Their determination. Val started weeping.

 

There was shame in their eyes.

 

Val didn’t know how to take in this knowledge, take in hope for the future. It was all too much. It was all so much that it hurt them. The children were not going down without a fight if they were going down at all.

 

Then they heard Corgan talk to someone.

 

“Val is inside there!” It was Marta, “I don’t think we should make the children more scared and angry!”

 

“Marta, you are The Enforcer of The Testament of New Ezekiel!” Corgan was furious, “You should be doing this! This is a violation to the integrity of Temple Gate!”

 

“I don’t need you to teach me what is the integrity of Temple Gate and what is not, Knoth-son.” She stressed it on the parentage, “The children are special in life and death,” She seemed to be surveying the barricaded front door, “We must treat them with respect.”

 

“Respect?!” Corgan was screaming, “Fuck your respect! This is —“

 

“Perhaps, she has a point.”

 

That was one of the first times Zedekiah Knoth spoke in a situation of crisis. Usually, he followed orders. Val always mistrusted his quiet yet observant demeanour. They didn’t know if it was uncharacteristic of him to talk in favour of peace for as a member of the butchers where his brother led Zedekiah did not seem like a pacifist.

 

“What the fuck yer rambling about?!” Corgan now grabbed his brother, the shadow of it visible, “We cannot listen to these fucking brats!”

 

“Well, we could. There is nothing wrong with it.” Zedekiah freed himself.

 

“We don’t wanna die! This is not fair! God loves us!” Samantha screamed. It was the least they could do to protest.

 

Val didn’t know what to do — what to say — they were just so shocked. The children were usually morose, depressed at their life circumstances changing and they were irritable — this was not the usual fare of melancholy — it was as if a declaration of war against adults were the adrenalin in their blood. And Val knew — fearfully so — that they weren’t wrong to behave like this. 

 

“This is fucking stupid!” Corgan was screaming. “I didn’t become one of the heads of the Executioners by milking damn children!”

 

“Children!” Val called, “I know this is hard but…please,” they were all looking at them now, “Don’t do this.”

 

“You can say that because you are not _dying_ Val.” Zemira Ellis angrily told Val, “You don’t have to die suddenly. Your family was not suddenly taken away from you! And, no one fucking thinks you are the fucking enemy! It’s not fair that everyone is after us like this!”

 

Everyone got quiet at the anger she resonated. Val was even quiet. To hear Zemira swear was the least of their problems. The fact was…Val had no way to counter the logic and perspectives that was being put forth. It was in no way wrong to them. It was actually rightly spoken to them. Feeling so conflicted and tensed they wanted to vomit.

 

Suddenly, there was a bang in the door, “If Marta and Zedekiah don’t do shit at least the other Butchers and Interrogators will!” They had gotten a log and they were pounding it at the door.

 

Val could see that everyone got quiet for a while.

 

“It doesn’t matter.” Samantha started and everyone looked at her, “We will stand together. Or, we will fall down. But, not as the Enemy. We will fall down as people who wanted to live.”

 

Val never thought they would hear such mature words for such a young girl. “Yeah. Not as the enemy. But as the children we are.” Augustus chimed in, “We have nothing left.” Then Augustus looked accusingly a bit to Val, “We can’t really trust anyone.”

 

Val felt terrible.

 

This was horrible.

 

“Stop it Corgan!” Val could hear Marta scream, “We can talk to them!”

 

“Some Enforcer you are!” Corgan called out. “We are gonna get these little pieces of shits! They are to be sacrificed! They can be the enemy! They gotta accept that as we did!”

 

And the log got louder and louder.

 

Val closed their eyes as they heard the school doors partly become unhinged.

 

And the screaming began.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> As Val is an intersex individual in my story I will use all pronouns for them, they are seeming bigendered/agendered so "they/them, she/her, he/him." all goes for this incarnation of Val in particular. This does not go against any other reading of Val especially her as a trans woman. 
> 
> And yes, that was a tongue-in-cheek reference to Blake Langermann and Val having a similar experience XD
> 
> I hope you like the story so far! Please read and review! =)


End file.
